Valentine's Day 2015

Yesterday was my first Valentine's Day as a single person in over 25 years and it was the greatest Valentine's Day every!! It was the first one in 21 years that I didn't cry myself to sleep. Wait, cry you said, but Valentine's is from Romance and I am a huge romantic so why crying. Therein lies a sad tale.

For the last 21 years I have been married - to the same man. He is the father of my children, he provided a decent home but he was not romantic. No, that is not correct. We dated for four years before we got married and each and every Valentine's Day before our wedding he remembered it, and he bought be a pair of gold earring, with a heart on them. Every year, I thought I had found the perfect man. Then we got married, and the first Valentines Day after the wedding came and nothing. No card, no flowers, no earrings. I was confused, well maybe he just forget and so I made a big deal and gave him my Valentine's gift to him, telling him Happy Valentine's Day over and over. Thank you he replied and went on about his game. That night I cried in my sleep, what happened to the man I dated, where was the romance? Little did I know I would be asking that question for a long time.

Flash forward to last year, 21 years of marriage, our 21st Valentines together, but by this time I am only going through the motions. Years of life with this man, of the things he has done and said to me have killed any love I have left for me long ago, but I keep holding on because I have children, it's better for them right. The need to see both parents together. Its Valentine's Day, and I know that there will be no gift from him, there hasn't been one since before we were married, I know that in my head, but yet it is so hard to keep my heart from hoping that this will be the year he changes. I'm always praying for that change, but I know it won't come. Again I curl up in my bed to sleep, crying in my bed alone as yet another Valentine's Day has come and gone without recognition.

Without warning my son comes into the room, sits on the bed beside me, snuggles his head down against mine. I can feel his tears mingle with mine and he softly says to me "Why do you let him treat you this way?" "You need to leave him." He hugs me tightly for a while longer and tells me that he loves me before he leaves. As I lay there I stop crying and I wonder am I really doing the right thing staying, letting him treat me like trash and walk all over me, just so the kids have two parents. Or is my son right and I need to take a stand and move on.

One year later, I celebrated Valentine's Day in my own place, with my kids by my side. Happier than I have ever been. I may not have gotten a pair of gold earrings, but I got so much more this year!! Thank you son, you will alway be my rock!

Self Image from a Fetish Site

When I finally left my husband, I had a very low self esteem. Partly due to years of him beating me down about my looks. Making me feel that parts of my body were to be hidden and ashamed of, instead of celebrated.

Luckily, I had a wonderful friend, Nick who knew about my self esteem issues and took a huge change and said to me one day, "You know, you need to set up a profile on this fetish site I am on".  Now, this was a risk because we live in the Midwest, you know the land of cornfields and little white churches, so he risked me really freaking out when he mentioned a fetish site, but I didn't. I asked him why, so more people can tell me how ugly I am.  At this point he told me that there are a lot of people who adore certain qualities that I have that my ex husband had hated.

I'm not holding back or pulling punches, lets throw it out there as it is, I have extremely large boobs. So Nick basically dared me to set up a profile, he even told me I just had to put a basic picture, no face, even with a shirt on, on the site and I would have all kinds of people liking it.  Me on the other hand thought he was crazy, so I agreed to do it, just to prove him wrong!!  Problem was he was right!

So many people sent me messages telling me how beautiful I was, how they loved the way I looked, and on and one. I was so surprised.  But the wildest thing was that it was exactly what I needed at that point in my life. I needed a boost in my self esteem, my self confidence. This gave me that and allowed me to feel that I could stand on my own.

That fetish site became the basis for a number of experience I had over the next year or so, and that is a lot of what you will read here at Wild Oats.  It also introduced me to some people that have become some wonderful, life long friends that I can't imagine my life without now.  I also was given access to a number of stories of experiences, feelings, and motivations that I am excited to share with you here on Wild Oats.

I'm not sure what I want the purpose of Wild Oats to be, but I know that there will be someting good come of it.

Misunderstanding

Misunderstanding

You say I am beautiful,

That you want to wake up next to me,

Every day forever...

I hear....that you want to be with me,

But - -

You mean...maybe for one night, or two

You say that I am everything you wanted,

You can't live without me and

You want me with you all the time

I hear...that you want to be with me,

But...

You mean....until something better comes along

I hear what you say, but I don't understand what you mean...

I think you mean what you say, I never knew what you didn't....

I'm slowly learning all these hidden meanings, one heartache at a time....

Why can't you just say what you really mean??